I sent you away

So you came back, but not to be my love.  You came back a friend, but I have sent you away.

How do we go back after moving forward?  How do I turn the feelings off.... pretend I do not love you.

So I said I needed space, time to get over you.  How?  How do I get over you?  I miss you, please ignore what I said, please come back....

Distanced from myself

I wake up this morning feeling like I'm not me... I feel a distance from me... Like I'm just watching me from somewhere else.

Maybe it's the distaste of who I am, what I've become, all that I've done.

I had such high hopes for myself.  I thought that if I wanted something badly enough, I would end up getting it.  I forget, I am not the one in control, God is in control.  No matter how much I may want something, I can't have it unless it is God's will and, if it is God's will, it is in His timing.  God is sovereign and I am a sinner.

Do I sit back and wait, do I show what I want, must I be honest about my wants and needs!  

God took my husband away, why, because it was his time... God knows before we are even conceived when our time will be up.  

This was my reasoning for being honest with him, for telling him from the beginning how I felt.  I thought that if he knew how I felt about him, it might make a difference, but no, that was my foolishness.  Nothing changed, it just played out to be a short romance with a half-finished ending.

This time though, I actually really like him as a friend, I value his friendship and don't want to lose that.  Sure, we're attracted to each other, can we still be friends!  I hope so.  I pray that we can.  I don't want to lose another person.  

A young widow...

Not so sure young is the correct word to use, but I guess, within the realms of becoming a widow, 39 would be considered young!

Along with becoming a widow, comes a myriad of mistakes... Mistakes I make and mistakes people make with me... These stem from the fact that I don't know how to go about my life as a "young" widow and those around me don't know how to "be" around me! 

So... this makes for many awkward interactions with many who, I think, would rather be on a different planet to me.... although, sometimes, I think it is me who wishes to be on a different planet to everyone else...